Tour Report

Friday

Hit the beach...

As nobody was allowed into their caravans until 4pm, or 3.30 if you were really lucky, the unofficial meeting place to begin the tour was the beach in Woolacombe Bay. Eventually the majority arrived by the beach, including Rambo who announced his arrival with a "Wicked, where's the beach?" Err well you see that vast expanse of sand...After taking in the sun for a bit the men suddenly decided that they all needed to go to the 'bank'. When I say bank I mean somebody noticed their watch said 1 minute to 12 and if they didn't hurry up and disappear on mass they wouldn't make it to the pub before the bar shutters came up.

The women decided maybe they should check on the boys down on the beach and were amazed to find they'd actually had the intelligence to draw themselves out a rugby pitch on the sand and were playing quite a civilised game of touch rugby. Myself and partner in crime for this tour Jodie decided to take the long walk down to the sea for a paddle and having dipped my foot in the freezing cold water I decided that was the nearest I was going to the sea for the rest of our stay! By this time some of the more alcoholic mothers amongst the group decided it was time to join the men in the pub and so the boys were left to keep playing.

The pub was lovely. Well it would have been had we not been in there! What with Messiah squirting bystanders with water pistols, Corporal Jones and Swampy giggling like girls in the corner and the whole group in general bursting into song every 20 minutes it was no surprise that anyone else who came into the pub swiftly left. When 4 o'clock eventually came the boys were rounded up, the dads were dragged away from the bar and it was off to the caravans to unpack.

At 5pm it was off to Brian's caravan for the tour shirts to be handed out. This years tour shirts were the snazziest ever, a maroon and grey cow print with all sorts of strange nicknames on the back (which you may have noticed are being used in this report rather than real names) however they did straight away give away the fact that actually we weren't an anti natal group. The snitches were revealed as the younger siblings, Squirt 1 and 2, Trappy, Rooster, Sicknote's Bro, Hound dog, McNugget, Big Squirt, Icebox and all the younger sisters and Tour Judge, Judge Jackie.

Saloon Dibben was then opened, I felt being the roving reporter I'd better venture over and have a nose and was informed that to get in you had to do a shot off the optic that Elvis had bought with him. Following necking some vodka I was allowed in and suitably impressed with the well stocked fridge, the saloon doors, the Wild West music and the Nobby's Nuts and Pork Scratchings hung on the window.

Later that evening the whole tour congregated in the club, all clad in their compulsory cowboy hats, and ran into a group of people all wearing berets. Seems we weren't the only rugby tour in town! It wasn't long before Frank's mum Linda was dancing round her cowboy hat, the dancing went on to kick out time at midnight when most people retired to their foot wide by 2 foot long beds for a very uncomfortable nights sleep.

Saturday

Brentwood's first tour game was against South Molton.

Brentwood U15s 31 South Molton U15s 0

The boys started brightly, rucking, mauling and generally attacking the try line quite well but their finishing was really letting them down. Crucial passes were going astray or the wrong decision was taken and Messiah was getting increasingly annoyed on the touch line.

Fortunately the pressure had to tell at some point and from a scrum fly half Ernie made a half break. He offloaded to Eddie Waring who stayed on his feet where a maul was formed, the maul going to ground to form a ruck. From the ruck the ball went back to Ernie who flicked it out to Katie who scored in the corner. Ernie nailed the conversion and the snazzy scoreboard I'd invested in, as held expertly by Jodie, read 7-0 Brentwood.

Brentwood regained the ball and from another scrum the mars bar was resurrected with Katie getting very close to the try line from it but not quite. There were numbers wide but the South Molton defence covered well and the move was forced into touch but the ball was stolen from the resulting lineout and a break down midfield saw an overlap. And it was actually used, Katie scoring in the corner again. Ernie missed this time, 12-0 Brentwood and Katie limped off after pleas from Harry to act injured as he didn't want to end up buying a jug!

Some more good build up play saw a good up and under from Ernie which was collected well by Frank however he was turned over in contact. Krisp N Dry put in a good tackle to win the ball back and it was collected by ???? who bounced a few tackles and passed to The Fridge, however it was again knocked on in contact. The scrum though went Brentwood's way, Ernie passed to Krisp N Dry who crashed through the middle to score. Ernie converted, 19-0 Brentwood and the score board was proving very handy as the usual "Becky what's the score?" questions started at half time.

The second half started frustratingly again, all the possession, all the territory but the finishing just missing. There were some good breaks from The Fridge and Rambo but the Brentwood boys were just not getting over the try line.

Mid way through the second half the boys managed to put together a really good move which eventually culminated in a try. It was started with a big hit by Rambo which turned the ball over, a good carry by Frank, some quick hands by The Fridge and Eddie Waring and an arching break by Krisp N Dry gave ???? some space but somehow he was bundled into touch just before crossing the try line. The resulting lineout was nicked and AWOL was mauled over. Ernie missed the conversion 24-0 Brentwood.

The last try came from a huge kick by Eddie Waring which bounced awkwardly for the South Molton defence and straight into the hands of Velcro where for once it stuck and he dotted down. Ernie kicked the last conversion and the score ended 31-0 at full time, a good performance by the boys.

After the match there was time for a quick drink, a pasty or two and the boys who were judged to have played well (Hardcore, Pretty Vacant, Krisp N Dry and AWOL) were given the dubious honour of stuffing a packet of peanuts down them followed by knocking back a pint of coke and orange juice. Nice.

After the rugby with the glorious sun still shining everyone elected to walk down to the beach. The majority of people opted to take the ramble down from the site through a few fields which took roughly 15 minutes, unfortunately some people such as EDR and crew opted for the driving route and they arrived an hour later...Down on the beach the sensible boys played cricket and the not so sensible decided they'd go for a swim in the sea, the culprits being Willy the Winger, Ernie, Lisa Marie, Punchy, Hardcore, Eddie Waring and The Fridge. Needless to say they all came back absolutely frozen.

Eventually everybody piled up to the Red Barn where the Dads had been drinking whilst everybody else was on the beach and with the two picnic benches they'd managed to nab most people had meals there. Of course there are always exceptions, such as the Morgan’s who were barred for bringing in Fish and Chips from the local chippy to eat. They were sent packing to the grass mound round the corner where Messiah kindly took them a blanket to keep warm and were last seen shouting "Big Issue!" at anybody and everybody who walked past...

As the sun began to drop in the sky some bright spark decided it couldn't be too bad to walk up the hill back so we may as well do that rather than call cabs. Of course nobody had taken into account that the hill was practically vertical and after several pints was never going to be the easiest of walks. The boys marched off ahead, singing all the way to the top of the hill, however the dads had a few problems with Brian and Elvis looking certain to need an ambulance by about half way and Swampy and Corporal Jones both red in the face and sweating buckets. Following their gentle stroll in the hills many had to have a lie down and some weren't actually seen again for the remainder of the night!

Saturday night itself saw a couple of the boys, ok most of them, get a little 'hyperactive'. Due to this there were some strange events going on, notably Leeroy got caught chasing sheep and Krisp N Dry wandered over, introduced himself as Sam Fry - Pet Detective and proceeded to tell me he'd been shooting aliens in the toilet with his spoon gun...

When the club closed the usual suspects; Swampy, Corporal Jones, Rocky, EDR and Brian, headed off to Saloon Dibben to carry on drinking and I'm informed they were so rowdy that they kept Velcro's mum up with the noise they were making.

Sunday

Many tired eyes and sore heads travelled off to Barnstaple on Sunday morning for the second tour match.

Brentwood U15s 7 Barnstaple U15s 14

The game started promisingly, Willy the Winger re-gathering Ernie's kick off and the Brentwood boys looked less lethargic than I'd expected them to be. However one turn over and some dismal tackles later Brentwood found themselves watching the Barnstaple conversion kick sail through the posts, 7-0 to Barnstaple and not long gone at all.

This seemed to give the boys a kick up the backside and they upped their game sending wave after wave of attack at Barnstaple but the opposition defence held well. Eventually the ball was bundled over but the useless referee (cough Messiah cough) decided not to award the try and then to compound the misery, Brentwood lost their own scrum.

The ball was eventually won back but passes kept missing the player they were meant to be going to and at one point the pass was so far behind Eddie Waring that he managed to do a bit of showboating, rolling it round his shoulders before juggling with it.

Brentwood's biggest problem was that again they had all the possession and territory but they weren't converting it into points. A good run by ???? however suddenly sparked Brentwood into life but the ball was again adjudged to have been held up. Brentwood again lost their own scrum but fortunately the Barnstaple playing knocked the ball on, AWOL was first to react and leapt on it, setting up a ruck from where McMuffin scrambled over the line to score. Ernie hit the conversion through the middle of the sticks, 7 all and half time.

The 2^nd half saw the game get a bit aggressive, The Fridge getting injured and getting lots of sympathy from Ernie who yelled "It's ok, he's just been kicked on his giant arse!" Eventually The Fridge got up and set off on a mad dash down the wing, he got close but foot in touch was given.

The game was exciting, Brentwood were piling on the pressure but they just couldn't score, Ernie also missing a shot at goal as well as none of the boys being able to get over the try line.

The heart breaker came when everyone was reminded why egg shaped balls are a stupid idea. From a scrum Barnstaple kicked downfield, between them Velcro and Katie thought they had it covered but unfortunately they were both undone by the erratic bounce of an odd shaped ball as it rocketed straight back into the chasing Barnstaple players hands for him to run in a try. The conversion went over, 14-7 to Barnstaple.

Brentwood continued to battle but time was against them and the full time whistle was blown, 14-7 the final score. Sprinks however pointed out that it was a game they shouldn't have lost and was decided on the cruel bounce of a ball and fortunately it didn't seem to put a dampener on the tour festivities!

The remainder of the day was spent on the beach again, although this time most people opted to drive down as their lungs were still burning from the previous nights walk. The dads managed to haul themselves away from the bar for long enough to play a game of Dads and lads cricket which I'm lead to believe the dads won although Ernie is adamant that they cheated! After the cricket some of the boys joined Jodie and I making good use of Loup the loup's Frisbee, a few passers by were nearly decapitated when The Fridge put a bit too much power into his throw but other than that there were no major injuries.

6pm outside Saloon Dibben was the venue for the tour court but Judge Jackie, already up on a charge for being late, was again late and court did not begin until a full half an hour later. As you would suspect Messiah was up on a charge, this year for not only forgetting the special hat but treading on it too! He was joined by wife Debbie in what was a bad tour for the Dennis' as she'd not realised Hardcore wasn't actually playing on the Sunday and Kev was up for not singing whilst wearing the special hat. EDR, Sprinks, Brian, Corporal Jones and Messiah (again) were called up for arranging to meet in the club at 9.30 on the Saturday night but staying in Saloon Dibben for a while longer whilst Leeroy was pulled up for sheep chasing along with Willy the Winger, Puddle, Lisa Marie, Rambo and Krisp N Dry for various misdemeanours following their 'hyperactive' night. Loup the loup was the last man called up due to a windy night which Fran had to endure.

The punishments were, as ever, interesting although they could have been worse as Prosecutor Swampy had been calling for hangings, burning at the stake and in the case of Messiah being nailed to a cross, well it was Easter Sunday.

Kev was first, predictably his punishment was to sing which he grudgingly did. Messiah's first punishment was an attractive Easter headband with two fluffy chicks on springs attached to the top. Next up was Debbie who was given a dummy to keep in her mouth for the remainder of the day. Following this were the Saloon Dibben mob who were given some vile concoction which contained all sorts of alcohol, tomatoes and lemon, which they had to down in one. Sprinks ended up wearing most of his and to put it nicely it did look rather like he'd thrown up down his own shirt. The boys were next, they ended up tied together by the ankle in pairs of Leeroy and Rambo, Puddle and Lisa Marie and Willy the Winger and Krisp N Dry which wasn't that bad, providing you could put up with the person you were tied to! Loup the loup was given some kind of baked bean cocktail to down, although Fran did point out that this would also probably be just as detrimental to her health as the previous night had been. Lastly it was announced that Judge Jackie, for persistently being late, was booked in for an underarm wax in the spa on site the following morning and court was adjourned for another year.

Following dinner Jodie and I headed down to the club to find there were no handy adults about to buy us a drink so decided to head back to hers and pick up her camera in the hope we'd run into a handy adult on the way. We didn't run into a handy adult, we did however run into Krisp N Dry, (who much to Ernie's disgust was wearing my Wasps jumper, you see Ernie at least someone has taste! Remind me what the Wasps v Saracens score was this weekend...)Superman, Punchy and Kasparov who were all very bored and decided they'd come back with us. It turned out to be quite amusing what with the general taking the mick out of Kasparov for being good at chess which, according to the other three, isn't a sport and reading the problem pages in Jodie's magazine in which we discovered a problem entitled "I don't like roll on deodorant" Cor what a dilemma that is...

When the adults finally turned up at the club after having been in Saloon Dibben all evening the rest of the boys also materialised and their four lonely mates rejoined them.

When the clock struck midnight the security guards tried to clear everyone out but the dads weren't leaving till they'd had a good sing song. All the tour songs sung the adults returned to Saloon Dibben whilst the majority of the boys plus Jodie and I went back to Swampy's caravan. To keep the boys occupied Jodie got out as much food as she could possibly find, dairy lea and fake bacon included, whilst I made tea, coffee and orange squash. No seriously I did. After I'd given Lisa Marie his tea with 12 sugars the boys got down to some stupid card games which ended with forfeits such as Superman and Leeroy swapping shirts which was probably worse for Superman than Leeroy as he ended up looking like a Take That reject. It was soon very late, or early depending on which way you look at it, and Dee arrived to reclaim her caravan whilst everybody headed off to bed.

Except the oh so mature adults weren't quite ready for bed without a few practical jokes. Corporal Jones started it by stealing the stairs from outside Saloon Dibben in the hope that either Rocky or Brian would fall out of the door when they went for their next cigarette break. In retaliation Trappy, Hardcore, Lisa Marie, Hound dog and Rooster were sent to sabotage Corporal Jones' caravan however Corporal Jones greeted them with a battery powered whisk and a chase ensued.

Not content with just getting revenge on Corporal Jones the boys then went round chucking bread on everyone's caravan’s roofs so that the following morning the sea gulls would crash onto the roof. It worked a treat when most of the tour party were awoken by the crash of sea gulls shortly after the sun had come up...Having to have the last word though Corporal Jones snuck over to Messiah's caravan and turned the water off. It begs the question really, is there any hope for the boys?

Monday morning saw everybody head home, notably Judge Jackie who did a runner to avoid his arm pit wax, possibly not his brightest idea as now he's a wanted man. You have been warned! Another great tour sadly came to an end, with some good rugby, some funny stories and a good time had by all.

Lastly I think a thanks is in order for Brian and Carla for organising the tour, for Elvis for keeping the alcoholics under control in Saloon Dibben and to Swampy for always buying me a drink!