Narbonne, France 2009

Tour Rules & Song Sheets

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Permanent Rules

• Any adult found drinking soft drinks will be fined and could find themselves in court.
• No Pointing (elbows only)
• No Swearing (includes all references to the round ball game)
• Left hand drinking only
• Tour shirts, once issued, to be worn at all times .
• You must join in on all group song calls, where you must know most of the words, not just the choruses.

2009 Rules

• When "Tally Ho" is called, all drinks must be taken from a cup & saucer
• When elected to wear the tour "Beret" you must mime for the next hour before passing the beret on.
• When "Fore" is called, everyone must hit the deck immediately.
• You must look "English" at all times.
• Kazoo's are Mandatory at Matches, and one hour before and after.
• No sleeping, other than in bed at night.

French Phrases

Put a name on it
Mettons un nom sur le

Don't let it bounce
Singular (Ie whoever is at fullback/catching the restart) - Nele laisse pas a rebondir
Plural (when it's a contagious whole team mistake) - Ne le laissons pas a rebondir

He's offside
Il est hors-jeu

Two hands on the ball
Deux mains sur le ballon

Don't kick it
Singular (ie Charlie)- Ne le donne pas un coup de pied
Plural (ie whole team) - Ne le donnons un coup de pied

Pedestrian
Literally this is pieton but that won't make much sense
Other suggestions
Slow - Lent, Stagnant
In slow motion - au ralenti

Vous parlez anglais? – Do you speak English?

Je ne comprends pas – I don’t understand

Je ne parle pas francais – I don’t speak french

Le Rugby

Un essai – a try

La pénalité – a penalty

Le balon – the ball

Les poteaux – the posts

Le pilier – the prop

Le talonneur – the hooker

le deuxième ligne – second row

le troisième ligne – back row

passer en avant – to pass forward e.g. En avant!! – Forward!!

Tour Songs

Mad Dogs & Englishmen
in tropical climes there are certain times of day
when all the citizens retire
to tear their clothes off and persprie.
it's one of those rules that the greatest fools obey,
because the sun is much too sultry
and one must avoid its ultry-violet ray.

papalaka papalaka papalaka boo,
papalaka papalaka papalaka boo,
digariga digariga digariga doo,
digariga digariga digariga doo.

the native grieve when the white men leave their huts,
because they're obviously definitely nuts!

mad dogs and englishmen
go out in the midday sun,
the japanese don't care to.
the chinese wouldn't dare to,
hindoos and argentines sleep firmly from twelve to one.
but englishmen detest a siesta.
in the philippines
there are lovely screens
to protect you from the glare.
in the malay states
there are hats like plates
which the britishers won't wear.
at twelve noon
the natives swoon
and no further work is done.
but mad dogs and englishmen
go out in the midday sun.

it's such a surprise for the eastern eyes to see
that though the english are effete,
they're quite impervious to heat,
when the white man rides every native hides in glee,
because the simple creatures hope he
will impale his solar topee on a tree.

bolyboly bolyboly bolyboly baa,
bolyboly bolyboly bolyboly baa,
habaninny habaninny habaninny haa,
habaninny habaninny habaninny haa.

it seems such a shame
when the english claim
the earth
that they give rise to such hilarity and mirth.

mad dogs and englishmen
go out in the midday sun.
the toughest burmese bandit
can never understand it.
in rangoon the heat of noon
is just what the natives shun.
they put their scotch or rye down
and lie down.
in a jungle town
where the sun beats down
to the rage of man and beast
the english garb
of the english sahib
merely gets a bit more creased.
in bangkok
at twelve o'clock
they foam at the mouth and run,
but mad dogs and englishmen
go out in the midday sun.

mad dogs and englishmen
go out in the midday sun.
the smallest malay rabbit
deplores this stupid habit.
in hongkong
they strike a gong
and fire off a noonday gun
to reprimand each inmate
who's in late.
in the mangrove swamps
where the python romps
there is peace from twelve till two.
even caribous
lie around and snooze;
for there's nothing else to do.
in bengal
to move at all
is seldom, if ever done.
but mad dogs and englishmen
go out in the midday sun.

ALOUETTE

• Chorus: Alouette, gentile Allouette, Alouette je te plumerai

  Leader: Does she have the straggly hair?

  All: Oui, she has the straggly hair

  Leader: Straggly hair

  All: Straggly hair

  Leader: My Alouette

  All: My Alouette

  All: Aaaaaah (followed by Chorus)

  Leader: Does she have ze furrowed brow?

  All: Oui she has ze furrowed brow

  Leader: Furrowed brow

  All: Furrowed brow

  Leader: Straggly hair

  All: Straggly hair

  Leader: My Allouette

  All: My Alouette

  All: Aaaaaah (followed by Chorus)

  Other Verses:

  Two glass eyes, Broken nose, Yellow teeth, Double chin

  Swinging tits, Pot belly, Clammy thighs, Furry thing

  Leader: Now isn’t she a very nice girl?

  All: Oui she is a very nice girl

  Leader: With the....(Repeat all the above)

   

  Thank Heaven For Little Girls

  Each time I see a little girl
  Of five or six or seven
  I can't resist a joyous urge
  To smile and say
  
  Thank heaven
  For little girls
  For little girls get bigger every day
  Thank heaven
  For little girls
  They grow up in the most delightful way
  
  Those little eyes so helpless and appealing
  One day will flash and send you crashing
  Through the ceiling
  
  Thank heaven for litttle girls
  Thank heaven for them all
  No matter where
  No matter who
  
  Without them
  What would little boys do?
  
  Thank heaven
  Thank heaven
  Thank heaven for little girls
  
  Those little eyes so helpless and appealing
  One day will flash
  And send you crashing through the ceiling
  
  Thank heaven for little girls
  Thank heaven for them all
  No matter where
  No matter who
  Without them what would little boys do?
  
  Thank heaven
  Thank heaven
  Thank heaven for little girls
  Thank heaven for little girls

  Wonderwall

  Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you
  By now you shoulda, somehow, realized what you gotta do
  I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
  
  Back beat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out
  I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt
  I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
  
  And all the roads we have to walk are winding
  And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
  There are many things that I would like to say to you
  But I don't know how
  
  Because maybe
  You're gonna be the one that saves me
  And after all
  You're my wonderwall
  
  Today was gonna be the day but they'll never throw it back to you
  By now you shoulda somehow realized what you're not to do
  I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
  
  And all the roads that lead you there were winding
  And all the lights that light the way are blinding
  There are many things that I would like to say to you
  But I don't know how
  
  I said maybe
  You're gonna be the one that saves me
  And after all
  You're my wonderwall
  
  I said maybe
  You're gonna be the one that saves me
  And after all
  You're my wonderwall
  
  I said maybe
  You're gonna be the one that saves me
  You're gonna be the one that saves me
  You're gonna be the one that saves me

  "Beyond The Sea"
  
  Somewhere beyond the sea,
  Somewhere waiting for me,
  My lover stands on golden sands
  And watches the ships that go sailing.
  
  Somewhere beyond the sea
  She's there watching for me.
  If I could fly like birds on high
  Then straight to her arms I'd go sailing
  
  It's far beyond the star,
  It's near beyond the moon.
  I know beyond a doubt
  My heart will lead me there soon
  
  We'll meet beyond the shore
  We'll kiss just as before
  And happy we'll be beyond the sea
  And never again I'll go sailing
  
  I know beyond a doubt
  My heart will lead me there soon
  We'll meet, I know, we'll meet beyond the shore
  We'll kiss just as before
  And happy we will be beyond the sea
  And never again I'll go sailing
  
  No more sailing
  So long, sailing, sailing, no more sailing
  
  Good-bye, farewell my friend, no more sailing
  
  So long sailing, no more sailing
  
  No more, farewell...
  
  No more sailing

"The Wood, The Dad & The Uglies" Tour Devon 2007

Tour Rules

Permanent Rules

• Any adult found drinking soft drinks will be fined and could find themselves in court.
• No Pointing (elbows only)
• No Swearing (includes all references to the round ball game)
• Left hand drinking only
• Tour shirts, once issued, to be worn at all times .  At present it is intended to play at least one of the matches in tour shirt, final call subject to playing conditions.
• You must join in on all group song calls, where you must know most of the words, not just the choruses.

2007 rules

• The words yes & no are to be replaced with Yup & Nope respectively.
• Greetings generally & hello specifically to be replaced with "Howdy Partner"
• There will be a "SPECIAL HAT" which will be worn for a minimum of an hour at a time and the wearer must have been nominated by the previous wearer with at least 2 seconding nominations.
• A "YEEE HAH" call means the wearer of the "SPECIAL HAT" at the first time of the call must start off a tour song by singing the first verse/section solo with EVERYONE else joining in thereafter.  Only one "YEEE HAH" call per hour.

Those that looked closely at the recent budget would have noticed the tax increase on tour fines taking them up from 20p to 30p, but with an introductory sweetener for 2007 only of 30p each or 2 for 50p.

Sneaks will be announced at Van A40, just across from Saloon Dibben, where you can tie up your nag, at 5pm on Friday, along with the tour judge and the 1st wearer of the "SPECIAL HAT".  Therefore attendance is COMPULSORY. Tour shirts will also be dispensed at this time and the commencement of tour rules will be announced.

Court will be held on Sunday evening, exact time to be announced.  Attendance at court is COMPULSORY.  Tour continues with rules until Monday.  The time tour rules will cease will be agreed on Monday.  Court punishments can & will carry over to Monday.

Tour Song Sheet

Nice to see some old favourites back again and a couple of new ones. I have listed the words for the old songs to refresh some memories and for tour virgins. There are two new songs with an additional couple for the more dedicated singers amongst you.

Lonesome Pine

On a mountain in Virginia stands a lonesome Pine

Just below is the cabin home of a little girl of mine

Her name is June and very, very soon she'll belong to me

For I know she's waiting there for me 'neath that lone Pine tree

In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia

On the trail of the lonesome Pine

In the pale moonshine our hearts entwine

Where she carved her name and I carved mine.

Oh, June - like the mountains I'm blue

Like the pine - I am lonesome for you

In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia

On the trail of the lonesome Pine.

In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia

On the trail of the lonesome Pine

In the pale moonshine our hearts entwine

Where she carved her name and I carved mine.

Oh, June - like the mountains I'm blue

Like the pine - I am lonesome for you

In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia

On the trail of the lonesome Pine.

American Trilogy

Underlined words are Kevins Solo

Oh I wish I was in the land of cotton
Old times there are not forgotten
Look away, look away, look away dixieland

Sing it fellas
Oh I wish I was in dixie, away, away
In dixieland I'll take my stand to live and die in dixie
for dixieland's, where I was born
Early lord one frosty morn
Look away, look away, look away dixieland
Glory, glory hallelujah
Glory, glory hallelujah
Glory, glory hallelujah
His truth is marching on
So hush little baby
Dont you cry
You know your daddys bound to die
But all my trials lord, soon be over

King of The Road

Trailer for sale or rent
Rooms to let...fifty cents.
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain't got no cigarettes
Ah, but..two hours of pushin' broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I'm a man of means by no means
King of the road.
Third boxcar, midnight train
Destination...Bangor, Maine.
Old worn out suit and shoes,
I don't pay no union dues,
I smoke old stogies I have found
Short, but not too big around
I'm a man of means by no means
King of the road.
I know every engineer on every train
All of their children, and all of their names
And every handout in every town
And every lock that ain't locked
When no one's around.
I sing,
Trailers for sale or rent
Rooms to let, fifty cents
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain't got no cigarettes
Ah, but, two hours of pushin' broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I'm a man of means by no means
King of the road.

Sloop John B

We come on the sloop john b
My grandfather and me
Around nassau town we did roam
Drinking all night
Got into a fight
Well I feel so broke up
I want to go home
So hoist up the john bs sail
See how the mainsail sets
Call for the captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I wanna go home, yeah yeah
Well I feel so broke up
I wanna go home
The first mate he got drunk
And broke in the capns trunk
The constable had to come and take him away
Sheriff john stone
Why dont you leave me alone, yeah yeah
Well I feel so broke up I wanna go home
So hoist up the john bs sail
See how the mainsail sets
Call for the captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I wanna go home, let me go home
Why dont you let me go home
(hoist up the john bs sail)
Hoist up the john b
I feel so broke up I wanna go home
Let me go home
The poor cook he caught the fits
And threw away all my grits
And then he took and he ate up all of my corn
Let me go home
Why dont they let me go home
This is the worst trip Ive ever been on
So hoist up the john bs sail
See how the mainsail sets
Call for the captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I wanna go home, let me go home
Why dont you let me go home

These Last 2 are not compulsory but will be sung. Other old favourites include “Buttercup”, “Swing Low” and “Jerusalem”

Avenues and Alleyways

Sleep like a baby,

my little lady,

Dream till the sunrise

creeps into your eyes

Dream till the sunrise

Turns on the day.

 In the Avenues and Alleyways
while you sleep there's a whole world coming alive
Able and his brother, fighting one another
in and out of every dive

The Avenues and Alleyways
where the strong and the quick alone can survive
Look around the jungle
see the rough and tumble
Listen to a squealer cry
Then a little later
in the morning paper
Read about the way he died.

The Fastest Milk Cart in the West

You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,

And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round.

And he galloped into market street, his badge upon his chest,

His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,

She lived all alone in Liddley Lane at number 22.

They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,

But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week.

They called him Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

She said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, "All right, sweetheart,"

And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up his cart.

He said, "D'you want it pasturize? 'Cause pasturize is best,"

She says, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest."

That tickled old Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,

Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van.

He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,

And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head.

She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said, "If you treat me right,

You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night."

He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way,

And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day.

Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

One lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door,

It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four.

And as he lept down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,

And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his 'orse.

Whose name was Trigger, (Triggerrrrrrrr)

And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold top in his hand,

He said, "If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man."

"Oh why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied,

"And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side."

Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,

They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.

But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned,

And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand.

Now Susie ran between them and tried to keep them apart,

And Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart.

And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust,

Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust.

Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die,

And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.

Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,

And a milkmans life is full of fun
In that fairy dairy land
But a woman's needs are many fold
And Sue she married Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a rustling
Or the hinges of the gate
Or Ernies ghostly goldtop a rattling in their crate
They won't forget Ernie (Ernie)
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Message from Bryn